Meltha Parody: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Penned: 12/24/03

Slightly different mode on this one. Pretend it's season 2 Buffy. Pretend Spike is stuck in that blasted wheelchair.

On the first day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
An annoyingly named doggie.

(Pet, I refuse to eat anything named Sunshine. No, ducks, that won't make her high in vitamin C.)

On the second day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Two teens in love
And an annoyingly named doggie.

(No, Dru. I'm not eating them either. For one thing, this Xander bloke smells of Cheetos. Now, while Cordelia is lovely, I don't want my eyes gouged up by your lovely nails if I get a bit over-excited. And I'm still not eating the dog.)

On the third day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Three red pens
Two teens in love
And an annoying named doggie.

(Appreciate the though, Dru. Really. But even though it rather looks like blood, the ink will not taste nice at all. And... knew that was going to happen. Stupid mut. Get one of the minions to clean my Duster, will you goddess?)

On the fourth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(I don't think so, pretty one. First of all, that one named Glory over there, weird bird, gives me the creeps. Not biting her. While that Harmony bird has a rather nice set of curves on her, I don't fancy catching stupid off her. As for the other two... nameless extras? I don't lower myself that much. )

On the fifth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(What the hell ARE those things! They've got bleeding antlers, Dru! I can't eat them; they'll poke my eyes out! And if that dog yaps one more time, I'm going to personally check the traction of these tires on its mangy hide!)

On the sixth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(I'm not even going to ask how we went from two Slayers to six. Really, I'm not. What I want to know is why you decided to bring six virile, active Slayers into the same room as me when I'm paralyzed from the waist down? Yes, I like fighting them, but now is not a good time, pet. It's thoughtful of you and all, but... no. ::stares at Slayers slaying:: Ehm... I'll be in my bunk.)

On the seventh day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(This town has more freaks of nature. So, that's the Sunny-D swimteam. See, kids, this is what steroids will do to ya. Sorry, Dru, but their blood tastes terrible. Really. In an episode that has not yet aired, Angelus refuses to eat 'em, and his palate ain't exactly known for being all discriminatin'-like. So, unless I want a pair of gills to go with my broken back, no.)

On the eighth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Eight maids a-filking,
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(First of all, I have to give you due credit, ducks. You actually found eight maids in Sunnydale. No easy task. However, filking? The process of turning a song into a fan-song by creating new lyrics? How dumb and derivitive can you get? Who'd do something silly like that? I'm sorry, Dru, but no. What do you mean I'm finicky? Ehm... no... no, you did not just hear a bark.)

On the ninth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Nine reindeer prancing,
Eight maids a-filking,
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(::slow blink:: You... you stole Santa's reindeer for me to eat? How did you manage... they fly, precious! Oh, you thralled 'em. Hell of a lot of trouble you went to. ::long snog:: Oh, what the hey. I'm hungry. Soup's on!)

On the tenth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Ten reapers reaping,
Nine reindeer prancing,
Eight maids a-filking,
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(::rolling away slowly:: Okay, sweetheart? The Slayers were one thing. Really, I get that. But bringing in ten exact copies of the Grim Reaper in my sick room is not exactly inspiring me to new levels of health, not physically, and sure as hell not emotionally. No, there's no growling. That's the wind, Dru. Really. It's very windy outside.)

On the eleventh day of mending
My Dru-luv brough to me
Eleven victims piping,
Ten reapers reaping,
Nine reindeer prancing,
Eight maids a-filking,
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(Oh, pet. I'm touched! You cooked 'em yourself, didn't you? That's my sweet girl. Bit hot still, though. No, princess. Not you, though you're always hot, baby. The eleven entrees over there. Still steaming. Whatever shall we do to pass the time until they cool off? ::slow raise of eyebrow accompanied by four-thousand-watt grin and patented tongue curl::)

On the twelfth day of mending
My Dru-luv brought to me
Twelve guitarists strumming,
Eleven victims piping,
Ten reapers reaping,
Nine reindeer prancing,
Eight maids a-filking,
Seven fishmen a-swimming,
Six Slayers slaying,
Five slimey things!
Four brain-dead birds,
Three red pens,
Two teens in love,
And an annoying named doggie.

(Now that's what I call romantic. Dinner and music at the same time. But... sorry, sweetness. I can't eat them. Well, that one with the purple hair over there is fairly cool. He may have some plot development ahead of him. And that one there... that's the Slayer's Watcher. Nice set of pipes on him. Eh, I can't kill a guy with a vinyl collection that good. Too many boy-band fans need doing in first. What's... no! Sunshine, get back here, girl! Don't snap at the guitarists! Be a nice luv and we'll play ball later, and then I'll tuck little ummy-wummy-kins into her soft wittle bed and... uhm, yeah, I mean, how'd that mut get back in here? What? Dru it's a little disturbing when you look at me like I'm the crazy one...)

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